Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Loving Yourself

He loved me at one time in his life, and perhaps he still does, but that doesn't matter anymore...what really matters is learning how to love yourself. Did you get married or into a relationship, and soon after came household chores, working and children? If so, you probably have spent more time taking care of everyone and everything else besides yourself. For me, I lost sight of myself due to being so busy with it all, but once I discovered his cheating, I REALLY lost it. I was hurt so bad that I wondered what was wrong with me. I couldn't understand why or what had happened and I started doubting myself and all that I thought was me. Sometimes being sad about marital problems can lead into depression. This is a critial time because you really don't want to be sad and depressed to the point that it affects your life. I felt so all alone, when I found out about his infidelities. I wallowed, I cried and then I decided to get some sort of support. There are many support systems out there. Once I found my strength, I started finding things that I could do for myself. I needed to love myself even if he didn't. I needed to take care of me. I not only needed that, but wanted and deserved it as well. Find time to take care of you and love yourself, even if he doesn't. There really IS life after infidelity. Here are a few sites that I have found online that are supposed to be helpful and supportive.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

If He Loved Me So Much, Why Did He Cheat On Me?

This is a question that I asked myself over and over for many years. I could never figure out how you can love someone and then go behind their back and be with someone else. Was it for adventure because our marriage/relationship was getting old? Was it because he felt that he could get away with it? Was the other woman so compelling that she gave him more than I could? There are so many questions and for the most part, no answers. Although I expected an answer, even thinking that an answer would help me to get some closure on my pain, I never got it. I was left with nothing. Why couldn't he answer me? Well, as far as I can figure, sometimes they can't even give you an answer to the question....yes, infuriating but true. Sometimes they feel as though they are in another world and they can live this way until you discover it. Whatever the answers, there's nothing that can be done about something that is already done. What comes next, is you must deal with it and even if that means accepting that you might not get the answer. Do you move on easily from this point? No, it's never easy, because it's your life, your future. What you CAN do, is think about things before really deciding on what's right for you.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

So Why Did You Get Married in the First Place?

It sounds like an odd question, to be sure. But it you're dealing with problems in your marriage, such as coping with infidelity or just failing to understand each other anymore, it's a very important question.

Especially if your spouse has left you, or you're on the brink of divorce.

So why did you get married in the first place?

What attracted you to your spouse? What were thoise little things about him or her that made you all giddy, and kept you from sleeping at night? What was it about that person that made you so irritatingly happy that your friends stopped answering your phone calls?

Here's the thing - those things are still there. Life has gotten in the way - it always does - but that doesn't change the fundamental things that brought you and your spouse together.

Couples on the brink of divorce often say, "We're just not the same people we were when we met." Sure, everybody changes... but nobody becomes a completely different person.

Remembering the cute, thoughtful, wonderful things that you found so amazing when you met your spouse helps you get back to the core of your relationship - the reasons you got married to begin with. And while it's easy to lament the ways in which you and your spouse changed, it's much better to see those changes for what they are - a natural part of life.

No couple escapes change. Jobs, finances, children, aging parents, illness... all of these things (and many more) are instruments of change. But by getting back to the core of your relationship, it's not hard to see how the two of you can adapt to changing circumstances. You'll probably even find that the two of you haven't grown apart as much as you thought.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Working Through the Problems Marriage Brings

When you said "I do", you were probably only thinking about the good things that come along with marriage - the joy of having children, exotic vacations... the list goes on. Over time, though, you began to realize the problems marriage can bring, and your ideal world became... well, not so ideal.

It happens to all of us. There comes a point when we wake up and realize all the problems marriage has, and see that it doesn't hold a candle to the "dream marriage" we thought we'd enjoy for the rest of our lives. We become disillusioned... and often, we wonder if it's even worth staying married any longer.

That's one of the biggest problems with marriage - we don't understand that, over time, things change. Take my friend Jill and her husband Clint, for example. Now, I've known both of these fine people for over a decade - I even took pictures for their wedding - and I can tell you they're some of the nicest people I've ever met. And when they first fell in love, you'd think these two were a match made in heaven. Jill called Clint her "Prince Charming", and Clint worshipped the ground Jill walked on.

Ten years later, Jill and Clint were on the brink of divorce. It wasn't that either of them had become radically different people, but the problems marriage threw their way had torn them apart. They had a son with autism; Clint lost his job at the auto dealership; Jill's mom was diagnosed with cancer. Over time, they just became too exhausted to be affectionate towards one another, and their marriage suffered greatly.

You might be able to relate. Take a look at your own marriage - is it really that you don't love each other, or has life gotten in the way? I'd say that, if you've found this site, you're probably looking for ways to make your marriage work... and that's a great first step. Saving a marriage takes time, commitment, and work - but you and your spouse didn't get to where you are overnight, so don't expect the problems marriage has brought to be fixed overnight either.

The important thing is, it can be done - and I've seen many couples end up closer than ever after working through their problems. But what if you're the only one who is willing to work on the problems marriage has brought you and your spouse? When Clint first told me his marriage was in real trouble, Jill had given up - she wasn't even willing to discuss the issues that were plaguing her and Clint.

Looking back, I think she was just too tired and too fed up to even think about fixing anything... and I'm sure part of her felt like saving the marriage was beyond hope. Anyway, I told Clint about my "ace in the hole" for troubled marriages. It's a course called Save the Marriage by Dr. Lee Baucom. This course has saved more marriages than I could count (including my own)... including marriages where one spouse had simply given up.

Clint was hesitant about getting Save the Marriage, because he and Jill had spent thousands of dollars on couples retreats, marriage counseling, and other things that just didn't work. I could certainly understand where Clint was coming from, but here's the thing - the course is about the cost of a dinner out, and it has a far better success rate than counseling, retreats, etc.

In Clint's case, he started using the techniques he found in the course materials, and within a week, he and Jill were back on speaking terms. A month later, they had booked a Mediterranian cruise together. I won't say things are perfect for them yet, but they're far better off than they were when Clint called me that day. If they keep working at it and using the course together, I'm confident they'll be able to deal with any problems marriage throws their way... and they'll both be able to be their for their son, too.

If you're worried about your relationship, I'd highly recommend that you get Save the Marriage. I've seen it help many couples, and I'd love to see it help yours, too! Just do me a favor, okay? Leave me a comment telling me how the course worked out for you - I love hearing success stories of couples that have renewed their commitments and overcome their challenges!

Surviving Infedelity - Can You Save Your Marriage?

There are many problems marriage can endure, but it's often very hard for a couple to make it through an affair. Surviving infedelity can feel impossible! Small wonder, really, when you think about the maelstrom of emotions that an affair stirs up - not just for the betrayed spouse, but for the cheating spouse too.

If you and your spouse are dealing with an affair, both of you are undoubtedly dealing with a mixture of guilt, blame, anger, sadness, and despair. It's pretty overwhelming... especially since you're probably dealing with other marital problems on top of the affair -otherwise, the affair likely would never have happened in the first place!

Even worse, you have to try to make a rational decision about whether your marriage is worth surviving infedelity at all! I mean, both you and your spouse are undoubtedly wondering if things can ever be the same again. In my years of experience, I've found that any marriage can be saved, no matter what happened or how bad things have gotten. You just have to have the right tools and knowledge to make it happen. That said, I will tell you that you're going to have a much easier time of it if your spouse:
  • admitted the affair to you voluntarily, instead of just waiting for you to find out on your own (or worse, trying to hide it from you).
  • gave you the details of the affair in an open and honest manner.
  • feels remorse for his or her infedelity.
  • has ended the affair, and has agreed to cut off all communication with the "other person".
    honestly wants to work with you to restore your marriage.
Even if your spouse has done all of these things, restoring your marriage without relationship help will be quite difficult. One of the most effective resources is a course called Save the Marriage - it's helped thousands of couples with surviving infedelity.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Dealing with the Emotions of Infidelity

Coping with infidelity is difficult enough from a relationship standpoint - both you and your cheating spouse have to be willing to face what happened, and to work out a mutually agreeable strategy for ending the affair an rebuilding the relationship.On top of that, though, you have to learn how to cope with the intense emotions that come with betrayal.

For most of us, this is no easy task. After all, if your spouse has cheated on you, you're probably lying awake at night, going back and forth between blaming your spouse, and wondering what you could have done to prevent the affair in the first place.

One of the most important things to remember is that affairs do not usually happen solely because of the actions (or inactions) of just one spouse. There was likely a long standing problem in your marriage that led to the infidelity, and in most cases, both spouses are to blame.

Understanding this can help you release the emotions associated with infidelity. Since both spouses contributed to the problem, each person must bear responsibility for his or her own actions. When you understand that putting a marriage back together after an affair is a joint responsibility, it becomes much easier to let go of anger, blame, and frustration.

The focus moves away from who was right and who was wrong, and toward developing a solution for building a stronger, more trusting marriage.

If you are mired in the emotions that come with coping with infidelity, set aside a short period of time - even a half hour will do in the beginning - to discuss the problems that led to the affair. You will find that both of you contributed to the problems... and since there are opportunities for both of you to change, the negative emotions surrounding the situation will become much less intense.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

How I Made The Decision To Go

I think that after being married to him for over 10 years, discovering his affair and leaving him the first time, I still came back to him after about 9 month of being apart, AND divorcing him. I went back to him and thought that I could try it again, perhaps thinking that the second time around, he would know that I would not tolerate his infidelities. But soon after, I discovered more infidelity on his part. Not only with one woman, but with two, possibly a third. No matter what I did (begging, pleading, crying my eyes out, even blocking out the OW's phone number on his phone) I found that nothing worked. He wanted me to forgive him, once again, and he asked me to sweep it under the rug and just go on. He was not willing to make amends, nor was he willing to give the OW up. After going through this heartbreak all over again, I decided that I had to make a decision of staying and putting up with his cheating ways, or walking out on my own, starting all over again. I looked for support groups for help and I decided to speak to a very old and trusted friend, someone who was a friend of my family, also a pastor. He was unbiased, didn't take sides and pointed out some things to me that I did not see before. The ultimate decision was mine, and after much thought, I felt that I had no choice but to go because things were not getting better. I felt as though the other women were more important to him than us. He was juggling me, our family and the other women, along with his work and it was taking it's toll on me. I asked myself "what do I want in this life"?
"Do I deserve this kind of life"? and "what was I showing my children by staying in a relationship that didn't show me any respect"? For me, this meant alot of soul searching but after answering those questions, I felt that I deserved a whole lot more in life than what he was offering me. Let me also say, I didn't make this decision quickly, nor lightly. I wanted this man, this marriage/relationship and I wanted my family together more than anything else you could imagine.....but it honestly takes two people to make it work and without his help, it was all one-sided. I needed more than that and I finally felt that I deserved more. Loving someone means that you cling to that person and honestly try to work things out, the good things and the bad but he couldn't give me that. I needed someone to love me and be happy with just me, but he showed me by his actions that he needed her too and as much as I tried, he didn't try too...and that's how I made the decision to go.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Have You Lost "You"?

Sometimes I feel as though I lost myself somewhere along the way. It's true that when we marry someone or get into a relationship that we mold ourselves to our partner and that makes getting along with them a little easier. I seemed to have lost my inner happiness during the time we were married, and that's not a good thing. Did his cheating on me get me down so bad to the point that I couldn't find my inner peace and happiness? I can honestly say that going through infidelity really made me hit rock bottom with this man. I think that I became his "wife", the kids "mother" and one day I just didn't have time for "me". How do I get back to being the old me? The old me that used to have such joy in life, the one who loved playing around and being silly....well, I think that in time, my joy will return, but it all takes time. One thing I feel is that I can breathe easier not having to deal with a cheating spouse, and another thing is that I can do more things to please me instead of him....maybe that's the start of finding myself again.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Taking Baby Steps At Moving Ahead

Everything's moved from the other house now into a 10x12 storage unit that holds the rest of my forgotten past. How was I able to leave some of it was something I wasn't sure about, but I have it all now. I ended up giving alot of things away, things that didn't have any meaning anymore and stuff that others would be able to use. The house sits now as if it never had been ours. I know that he started his new life a long time ago when he finally moved back in with the other woman but I wonder if he ever regrets what he did to our family. I honestly think that he still doesn't realize that it was by his own hands that we are no longer together. He has indicated to me a couple of times that if I were to have just forgotten about the other woman, that we would still make things work, regardless of him having any remorse or not. He wasn't willing to give her up so there was no way of working things out anymore. I certainly didn't want to be second place and I felt like I deserved much more. I am taking baby steps to a new life but it isn't always easy.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

"I Love You--Have A Good Day"

Those words of endearment were those that were said often in my marriage to my ex. Every morning I told him that I loved him and to have a good day. He always said I love you back to me, and for a very long time, I honestly believed that he meant it. I don't think that he ever intended for me to find out about his other women. I feel that he wanted to have her on the side and keep me to help out with the bills mostly and all the family household things that I did. When I told him that I loved him, I really meant those words. Do we take these little words for granted sometimes? Do we just say them without any real thoughts behind them? Loving someone means that you honor them, respect them and don't want to say or do anything to hurt them. Love means that you are willing to accept that person through the good and the bad times, but I really don't think that loving someone means that you have the right to cheat on them, because if things are not happy in your world, you should let your mate/spouse know how you feel before things get out of hand. I am so sorry that my ex did not communicate his feelings to me.... I always thought that when I heard him say " I love you" that he really meant it.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

What Is Becoming Of Marriage These Days?

I don't know but everytime I see in the news, someone is cheating on someone else and it's just gotten to the point that I am wondering what has happened to the vows of marriage. Doesn't a vow mean anything anymore? Do we not care about what we do to our partner, and our family? Or could it be that the news is just telling us more about what we didn't talk about in our grandparents day? To marry someone means that you are giving them a promise, not only to love and honor them, but to be faithful as well. Do we just relax once we get married and forget about what our partners really need?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Is Great Sex Better Than Good Communication?

(blush) right about now because I don't normally bring up too much about sex, but this is a valid question, but I don't know if I will ever find the answer to it.
Sex is a very important part of a relationship, but so is communication. What if you don't get both of them? Would you rather have one over the other? Or could it be possible to ever get both? To me, I would think that communication is the root of the relationship because if you can talk to each other, then you can communicate what you like and don't like, even about sex. What if your partner doesn't like to talk? That's where my problems lied, I think because he did not like to discuss anything. He didn't like talking much. Could that have been our downfall? So, would you rather have a great sex life with your partner even if you don't have good communication? or is having good communication the key to great sex?

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