The "X" List

My bedroom was a typical 17-year-old’s room: a single bed, vanity dresser, enough make-up to stock a large drugstore, and “Africa” skipping on an old 45. I had my own telephone line, a black and white television, and a full-length mirror that Dad hung on the back of my door to free up some bathroom time for him and my mom.

Scotch taped next to the mirror was a piece of stationery with the words, “Ten Things I Want in A Husband” printed across the top:

1. Christian
2. 5’10” – 6’0”
3. Likes music and singing
4. Blonde or light brown hair
5. Born in 1960-1965
6. Blue eyes
7. Likes the Bible
8. Likes kids
9. Assertive
10. Good sense of humor

As you can see, my list was quite specific, and I prayed over it seven days a week (probably twice on Sundays).

Not included on the list of “Hopes and Dreams” were expectations. The expectation list existed, but I kept it in an entirely different place. It was written on the inside of my heart. The "X List" I’ll call it was compiled by assumptions I had collected over time. Contributing sources to this list had stepped in and out of my life over the years, but each one had left their impression:

• Boys that broke my heart
• Television heart throbs
• My father
• Rock stars with their soothing lyrics
• Athletes
• Comedians
• Friends
• Magazine photos
• Romance novels
• Chick flicks

My ideal man was a work of art sculpted by the mind of a die-hard romantic, and designed by the unrealistic desires I held. My future husband had a lot to live up to.

God gifts men in a number of ways: intelligence, strength, talent, skill, wisdom, courage, sensitivity, humor, financial success, and the list goes on… Men might have one or several of these gifts, but I have yet to meet a man who possesses them all. God didn't create perfect human beings--you, me, our husband's... we're all sinners saved by grace. Every one of us comes complete with flaws that we struggle to overcome.


For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,)
dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present
with me; but how to perform that which is
good I find not.
~ Romans 7:18, KJV


And then there are fruit of the spirit, which are evident in those who walk with the Lord:


But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control. Against such things
there is no law.
~ Galatians 5:22-23, NIV


And yet there isn’t a man alive who lives in the fullness of that Spirit every moment of every day. And there won’t be until we are finished our earthly battle with the flesh. One may for a season or two, but unlike Christ he will eventually fall and disappoint someone in the flesh.

So here we have our expectations of a man in one hand and our husband in the other, who we’ve come to realize isn’t all that we expected. You wanted fun on Friday nights, not sluggish on Saturdays. You wanted courageous, not weak. And you wanted a man who’d walk through the door with a dozen roses after work, but instead you get a dozen reasons why he’s too tired to take you out.

The problem here isn’t our husband, it’s that the level of expectation we hold is outshining his character. When we measure him up against the weight of expectation, we are left with an unbalanced scale.

When we first moved into this house our walls were white. Every room, every wall, and every door was egg shell white. Before long the boys had scuffed up the front entrance, and there were a few hand prints that wanted to stay. The rest of the place looked great, if not for the boot marks that made the entrance look dirty.

I remembered the painters had left a can of white paint in the laundry room, so I decided to give it a quick touch up, but once the paint dried I had an entirely different problem—I now had “white” scuffs on my walls. It looked like I washed a portion of the wall while the rest of the room was dirty. Not good.

Lives are much the same way. They can be the most beautiful shade of white until we compare it with the vibrant white of the "X list." People have scuffs, and people have scratches; that’s the beauty of who they are. Take a look at furniture these days and you’ll see all of the work that goes into making the cupboards, the tables, and chairs look used. There's beauty to be found in character flaws.

Do we excuse his sin? No. I’m not asking you to do that, but I am asking you to look past the human frailty of a man to seek his beauty by removing the weight of expectation we hold. That's how we balance the scale!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net