Saturday, July 30, 2011

Fixing Your Marriage After Infidelity: How Do You Do It?


I receive a lot of emails asking me if it's really possible to "fix" a marriage after infidelity and, if so, how does one go about doing it? Many of the folks who write me really do want to make their marriages work and are doing their best to navigate all of the negative issues that infidelity brings, but they aren't sure how to go about doing this and often their spouses do not believe in their sincerity. So, in the following article, I'll tell you what I believe (based on my own experience and research) is vital if you want your marriage to be one ofthe ones that is able to rebound and survive after infidelity.

Sincerity Is The First Step In Fixing The Marriage After The Cheating: I can not stress what I am about the say enough. Both parties must be absolutely 100% sincere in their commitment to making things work. I would say to the spouse who cheated that most of the responsibility of fixing this lies with you and you must take this very seriously. Your spouse can tell if your heart is really in it or if it is not. If you are even remotely on the fence about your commitment to this person and to your marriage, then you should absolutely wait and evaluate your feelings before you hurt them again.

You must absolutely and completely be over the other person. Ideally, you would have cut all ties with them. If you're not yet at this place, do not ask your spouse to trust in you or work with you on the marriage. This is just too much to ask. If you ask them to place their trust in you again and then you betray them again (even by not telling the whole truth or conveniently omitting things) then you are doing much more damage than good. In order to really fix this mess, they are eventually going to need to trust you again. Don't ask them to do this until you are sure that you are trustworthy.

Helping Them To Trust You Again: If you've read this far, then I'll assume that you are sincere and trustworthy.The next step then is making your spouse believe that they can believe what you say. I must tell you that sometimes this just takes time. But you can help this along by being accountable. You can offer up "proof" of your trustworthiness. Hand over your cell phone. Give them your email and computer passwords. Take them with you on errands and outings when possible. Offer reassurance and reaffirm your commitment regularly. Don't tell them that you're going to be one place and then be somewhere else. They must be able to confirm what you've said on a constant basis. Because the first time they catch you in even a little white lie, alarm bells are going to ring and you've j ust made your job that much harder.

I often have people who tell me things like: "the constant checking up and checking in gets old fast. I feel likea child who has to check in with my parents." Yes, it may not be all that much fun being you after the affair is found out, but these are the cards that you've dealt yourself and if you think what you're going through is difficult, then try to walk in your spouse's shoes. How would you feel if you were betrayed this way? What if your world was pulled out from below your feet? Try to remember all of these things when you get frustrated with the constant checking in. Because over time, you will show yourself to be trustworthy and often your spouse will begin to not need these reassurances as much. But, as long as they need them, then you should provide them.

Creating Something That's Better: I often tell people the best way to fix a marriage after infidelity is to create something that both people can be excited about and committed to. This often requires that both of you to take a hard look at your marriage and evaluate it for vulnerabilities. Then you must work together to mend all of the problems and safeguard your marriage from issues that may be lurking around the corner. I know that when I use the term "work" this might not sound so inviting, but the pay off is huge here.

Many people who stick around to work through an affair are very glad they did because in the end they are left with a marriage that is much better than what they had before. And, this is the whole key. Because when both people are content with and excited about the marriage that they are living in, it doesn't take much convincing to get them to continue on. And because both parties are happy, no one needs to go elsewhere or to have doubts.

I'm not saying that you should fake or pretend that you are at this place if you aren't. That won't work either. But your goal should be not to rescue what you had before, because clearly there were flaws in that relationship. Instead, the goal should be to build on what you had before, but to resurrect something that suits both of you much better in it's place.

I know that fixing your marriage after infidelity may seem a long way off, but hang in there. The rewards can be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/


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