Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Back-to-School Printables and Calendars

It's September 1st--time for a new calendar!

For those of you who enjoy my daily housekeeping schedule, the calendars are a good companion to post on the fridge. They aren't as in-depth as the housekeeping schedule is, but they provide a basic guideline for quick reference.

I am including a link for both September and October's calendars.

In addition to the monthly calendars, I have also included some back-to-school printables with short Bible verses for kids. These "lunch box notes" can be printed out and put into lunches or for those of you who home school, they could be a great discussion tool at lunch.

I have created separate pages for boys and girls. Thus far I have only a variety of four, but I hope to keep adding to them over time.

If you would like to take a closer look at these, you can do that by clicking on the links below. It will bring up a PDF file that you can choose to either print or view. Enjoy!

September Calendar
October Calendar

Lunch Box Notes for Girls

Lunch Box Notes for Boys

You are loved by an almighty God,


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Monday, August 29, 2011

One Bible, One Page, One Verse

Image from

There was nothing beautiful about that morning on April 14, 1965. The truth is that my birth was an agonizing and painful experience. One child destined to be born, was torn from the loins of a woman screaming and writhing in pain while her hands held tight to the blood-stained sheets.

And just when the screaming finally stopped the doctor sternly announced, “She’s not breathing.”

Lifeless arms dangled as though they hung on a thread, while I was rushed aside for emergency CPR. One lung had already collapsed and my heart, barely the size of a gumball, stopped dead. My life was out of their hands, and it was up to my Father in Heaven to decide whether this little girl had a future on earth, or whether I would return to the safety and comfort of His unfailing arms.

Two minutes later, this girl that lay lifeless, without a beat left in her heart, was blessed. Two minutes later, I was sent into this world with a mission, “Share the power of My Word.”

He knew what I was destined to be. He knew every failure, every fault, and every act of disobedience that I'd offer to Him in the name temptation and sin. He knew the frailty of my humanity, the weakness of my flesh, and my propensity toward temptation. And yet by the goodness of His incomparable grace He planted me into the soil of this world that I might be a seed that carries the message of His immaculate Word.

One Bible, one page, one verse... One Bible, one page, one verse... the power of His word giving hope to the lost.

Freely ye have received,freely give. - Matthew 10:8

In participation with, "Changing the lives of people around the world."

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You are loved by an almighty God,


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What? This is Free?! Incredible Blessing!

This summer we moved the boys down the basement. Brendan moved out, which freed up two rooms, so now they could each have their own bedroom, and Michael and I would share an office.

Unfortunately this move hasn't been too easy on Nathaniel who doesn't want to sleep alone. He says that he's scared to be alone, and every night he asks if he can sleep in Graham's room. So I've been trying to wean him into it by visiting his bedroom every ten minutes to let him know I'm around. I'm also keeping a little lamp on in the room so he isn't in the dark, but he's still so scared. Poor little guy.

Last night I had a good idea, which both Nathaniel and I are excited about! I'm setting him up with the "Adventures in Odyssey" by Focus on the Family. I remember that Brendan loved the series back in the day, so much so that we bought all the cassette tapes and videos for him. Unfortunately it was so long ago, that I have none of it around anymore.

But I'm having a good day. First off, I was blessed to find an iPod dock that Brendan left behind when he moved, and secondly, Graham gave us his old iPod. That was good stuff, but the biggest blessing came when I went over to iTunes to search for the series and found out that 133 of the shows are available for free! Yes--133. At first I found 15 of them, but digging a little deeper, I discovered a page with 133 of them!

Nathaniel just walked in the room while I was typing that last paragraph, and said, "Thanks for downloading those stories, Mom. I can't wait to hear them, but I want to save them for night time."

So excited that I'm able to offer him something exciting at bedtime. Love it!!

Have you dealt with a problem like this? What worked for you? Join the discussion on facebook: Time-Warp Wife on facebook

You are loved by an almighty God,


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Today and every Tuesday, I want to invite bloggers to link-up any blog posts that will encourage women to joyfully live out their roles as wives and keepers of their homes I'm looking for posts on marriage, parenting, housekeeping, or recipes.

1. Enter the direct link from your post into the linky tool below!

2. Please link back here with the {TITUS 2}SDAYS code (below) so that other bloggers can join in too!

3. Enjoy each other's fellowship, and have fun!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Why Infidelity Happens?

Marriage is the moment to build a new life with a partner. Be faced both joy and sadness, as much as possible does not involve other parties to resolve the problem. However, problems at home sometimes not as simple as that faced when they were dating. Not love more is needed, but commitment, to maintain the integrity of the household.

According to psychologists, love is not always a wedding binder. Love is just a factor that could attract someone to decide in pairs.

One cause of the breakdown or divorce of the household is infidelity. The affair itself is usually caused by several factors such as technological advances, workaholic, and possessiveness.

Advances in technology

Technology is not the origin of the affair, but could lead to infidelity. Fears that advances in technology could make a cheating partner, can make a person violates the privacy of their partner. For example, opening an e-mail, SMS, or social networking sites spouse, and even ask for any password. Habit is often triggered fights.

Give confidence to the couple to have their own privacy area. If it turns out he's cheating, it can be dealt with later. The point is not looking for trouble.

However, the technology will simplify the work and life. So, the couple had the right to enjoy it.


If one or both parties are too engrossed in each other's work, could slowly eliminate loyalty. If the workaholic is not interspersed with both dating, for example, would be difficult for couples to survive. The marriage relationship will taste bland and feels just the same as the other routines of life. This bland taste will eventually culminate in the desire to seek a "distraction". Who would be a "distraction" is? Most likely is a colleagues, business partners, or anyone that you normally encounter when working or move.


People who always want a partner to behave in accordance with the wishes tend to make couples become bored. Domestic life becomes stiff because the couple always being watched and end up feeling cramped.

For example the issue of jealousy. Excessive jealousy can give judgments that are too fast to the pair, but infidelity is not necessarily occur. Anger that has no strong reason for it will increase the rift. Because human nature tends to always choose the better, lest you act jealous or possessive encourage couples to find someone else.

Do not dream of changing someone, but to change yourself first, then your couple will follow.

My Ex Came Over......

Wow...what a shock to my life...he actually came over to the house. This man has never had much time for anybody else except himself and his other woman, but he  managed to come over yesterday. He came for a very good see our daughter. Her 18th  birthday passed about 10 days ago and he was finally coming to see her. He was amazed at the beautiful woman that she had become and she was VERY happy to see him. They talked outside and I took a couple of pics for her so she could add to her picture book. He knows that she will be leaving to the Navy in less than a month now and to be honest, although he still has time to come back and see her, he probably won't. He gave her some advice, that I had to translate for her, but it was to" have courage", and to" work really hard at doing her best".  I cried when I went in the house because I didn't want him, nor her to see my tears, but reality just blasted me in my face, screaming out how much I wished that he would have worked really hard for our marriage, or at being a better father than he was. All in all, I was happy that he came to visit meant alot to her, and to me. I am also VERY happy that I am NO longer in a relationship with this gave me an open-eyed  view of the woman I am today and how far I have come in this journey.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Fruit, Meet for The Master

Drawn from my archives for the Women Living Well Challenge

When my sister Bonnie planted her last garden, she told her flowers in no uncertain terms, that they were created to please the Lord. And while they bloomed, she cheered them on. Ok, I'm not going to lie--my family is a little odd, but you should have seen her beautiful garden!

But He answered and said to them,
“I tell you that if these should keep silent,
the stones would immediately cry out.”
~ Luke 19:40

Yesterday I took a look at my garden, and I have to say that I was impressed. We've been experiencing a drought this summer to the point where my grass is crusty and dry, but somehow the flowers in my front garden have not only survived, they have thrived despite the weather conditions. Those blooms definitely have tenacity. Plants were created for the purpose of pleasing the Lord, and in producing good fruit they live out that purpose. How awesome is that?!

I got to wondering about my own tenacity. How well do I thrive when conditions are rough, and do I bear fruit despite the dry soil around me?

Galatians chapter five dictates what fruit I should bear:
  • Love
  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Longsuffering
  • Kindness
  • Goodness
  • Faithfulness
  • Gentleness
  • Self-control
If creation itself can bear fruit that is meet for the Master, can't we? It's a crying shame when a crab apple tree produces more fruit in a year than it's owner, but it doesn't have to be that way. When we are walking according to the ordinances of God, and our delight is to do His will, we WILL produce fruit in abundance. There's no greater purpose than that!

He [the righteous] shall be like a tree
planted by the rivers of water, that
brings forth its fruit in its season,
whose leaf also shall not wither;
and whatever he does shall prosper.
~ Psalm 1:3

You are loved by an almighty God,


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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Time-Warp Wife's Birthday Challenge

In celebration of my first birthday at Time-Warp Wife, I'd like to take a minute to thank each and every one of you for your participation. Thank you for popping in here to read the blog, and for those who have--thank you also for sharing these posts with your friends.

I'm grateful for the many notes of prayer and encouragement that I have received from so many of you. Your faith is uplifting and refreshing to me.

This started out as a blog just any other, but soon it became a passion to me, and a position of ministry that I don't take lightly. What I've began to notice is a strong sense of community being built by strong women of faith who desire more for their families than this world has to bring.

I pray that together we'll continue to seek His will in all that we do, with a desire to strengthen the family unit and build it upon a strong foundation of faith.

This year--this very minute--I challenge you as I challenge myself to draw closer to Him by equipping ourselves with the gospel, taking more time out for prayer, and walking according to His will--not ours. I pray that we as women would hunger for more than a lukewarm faith, by pursuing God with all of hearts. That's how we equip ourselves for the ministry of leading our children and supporting our husbands. Amen?!
And ye shall seek me, and find me,
when ye shall search for me
with all your heart.
~ Jeremiah 29:13

You are loved by an almighty God,


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Monday, August 22, 2011

Back to School - Creative Lunches - & A Titus 2sday Linkup!

Photo credit: Goodbyn Lunch Box, from Amazon

Republished from January, 2011 (hope you don't mind a repeat, chicklets!)

If you're making lunches day after day, you might be looking to add a little creativity to your meals. While dinners are usually on the serious side, lunchtime gives me the opportunity to have a little fun with the kids.

Last year Brendan and I started doing artwork on the brown paper bags, and this year we've been mixing it up with stickers. The kids LOVE it, and so do their friends.

I don't leave my husband out either. I love writing a little note on the outside of the bag along with a doodle of some kind, just to brighten his day.

One of my readers, Faye, said, "I used to put little notes in my kids and husbands lunches too. And on Valentines Day my husband got heart shaped sandwiches in his lunch." Love it, Faye!

As you can see by the artwork, it's nothing fancy, just a token of appreciation for the gems that they are.

Now these are done for bagged lunches, but homeschooling moms, and moms of preschoolers can get creative too by leaving a little note beside each plate, having a candle light dinner at lunch time, drinking juice from fancy glasses, or having a winter picnic on the living room floor. Lunch can be fun if we're willing to give a few extra minutes of our time.

This last one was a joke for my 19 year old. I'm not that mean. :)

Along with my crafty ideas for bags, my sister Bonnie shared these recipes with me for those days when I want to veer away from a sandwich.

Tiny Tuna Wraps


1 can Tuna

2 T salad dressing

6 flat breads

2 Large dill pickles (Cut lengthwise then quartered)

Prepare tuna as desired. (I like to add a little salad dressing).

Spread over flat bread. Add a quarter dill pickle and roll. Cut into 5 sandwich rounds.

Hamburger Bun Pizzas

1 Hamburger bun

1 tsp ketchup (or tomato paste)

1 slices mozzarella cheese

1 slices of salami

1 slices of pepperoni

Slice hamburger bun. (If not already purchased that way). Spread tomato sauce on one side of the bun. Put cheese on other side of the bun and layer with salami and pepperoni. Put bun together to form sandwich. Microwave until cheese melts. Cut into quarters to make pizza wedges. (Add any other toppings as desired before heating.)

You are loved by an almighty God,


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Today and every Tuesday, I want to invite bloggers to link-up any blog posts that will encourage women to joyfully live out their roles as wives and keepers of their homes I'm looking for posts on marriage, parenting, housekeeping, or recipes.

1. Enter the direct link from your post into the linky tool below!

2. Please link back here with the {TITUS 2}SDAYS code (below) so that other bloggers can join in too!

3. Enjoy each other's fellowship, and have fun!

Beware Men Over 30! Divorce May Cause You to Gain Weight!

                                           Photo used under Creative Commons from Mangus D.

By Nigel Lawson

Divorced dudes, beware! Put down the hot dog, chips, and beer! A new study from Ohio State University suggests a link between divorce and weight gain for men over thirty. Read more about it, and share your thoughts and comments. The Telegraph, "Women Gain Weight After Marriage, Men After Divorce".

And, yes, that is a metric scale. Just multiply 82.7 by 2.2 (lb) = That’s about 182 lbs!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Recovering From Infidelity - How to Rebuild the Relationship When One Partner Cheats

In today's world many couples have to learn how to survive an affair in their relationship. With the advent of new technology such as the Internet, cell phones etc., cheating has become much more widespread in society, and even couples who thought they were immune to betrayal are finding themselves in the thick of the battle and looking desperately for ways of recovering from infidelity and saving their marriages. It's a good thing to want to stay together and work through the issues but be forewarned that it is going to be very difficult and painful.

Rebuilding a marriage when one partner cheats takes time, and work, but life can come back into focus and you can move forward past the infidelity, grow closer and more connected than you've ever been before. This is not going to happen overnight, or in a week or month - there is no fixed time for these things to h eal, but if both of you are willing to expend the energy to work on healing the marriage, it can be done.

To repair the damage there is a lot of internal work for both the victim and the cheating spouse to do. One thing that you can both work on is your marriage communication skills. After the affair these may have deteriorated to angry outbursts, recriminations or one spouse giving the other the silent treatment. Communication to the average person means verbal communication. But non-verbal communication is just as or even more important, especially when dealing with such an explosive issue as infidelity in a relationship

Without realizing it, you can express yourself in countless ways without ever saying anything�and may not realize what message you are sending. Start working on your non-verba l communication skills and police what your body is doing, you may be surprised at the messages you are sending to your spouse. Recovering from infidelity and learning to communicate effectively with each other involves being open, honest, respectful and consistent. Set the standard in your marriage as you work to get your marriage back on track after the affair.

Infidelity All Rights Reserved

Getting Past Infidelity: A Guide to Surviving the Trial

There are a lot of trials that a marriage may encounter, but one of the worst scenarios is discovering that your partner is having an affair. Infidelity brings a very huge impact that sometimes, couples find it extremely hard to go back on track again. But hard doesn't mean impossible. If both of you are willing to fix your marriage, then there's a way to do that. Here are 5 tips that can help in getting past infidelity:

1) Take time off-separately. Even after the two of you have already agreed to give your marriage another try, remember that wounds don't heal instantly. Give each other time to think things over so you can figure out what you really want.

2) Make sure that the affair is over. The spouse who has committed infidelity should show sincerity of his wanting to fix the marriage by ending all forms of communication between them and the third party. This is the first step in trying to rebuild trust.

3) Surround yourself with a reliable support group. Be with people who love both of you and would encourage you to go on. Pick those family and friends that are not judgmental and could support while you're working on the marriage.

4) Be transparent. Since you're trying to rebuild the trust, be willing to be an open book. Inform each other about your appointments and never ever lie again. Make them realize that you've got nothing to hide.

5) Forget about revenge. Focus on your goal as a couple. You two must work hand in hand to achieve a healthier relationship.

Infidelity causes your marriage to be divided into two: the first part or blissful part of your marriage and the one after infidelity has been committed. Sure things become a lot tougher in the latter part when you try it again but if the cheating spouse sincerely wants to iron things out, and you still have love and compassion remaining in your heart, just follow those tips and you can surely make up and find yourselves in a happy marriage again.

Infidelity All Rights Reserved

Candace Cameron Bure - Standing in the Gospel

Part 3 of 3 on Candace Cameron Bure's mission trip with Compassion:

Last year, Val Bure won the Battle of the Blades and donated $50,000 to keep a Child Survival Program in the Dominican Republic up and running for two years. Recently, he and his family, including his wife Candace Cameron-Bure, had a chance to visit the Child Survival Program in the Dominican Republic. Here are Candace’s reflections on that experience.

We’ve been sponsoring for seven years, and we’ve been huge fans of Compassion. But going on a trip and seeing exactly how the program runs, exactly what the projects do and meeting the children just made the difference for me. We already knew what a great organization Compassion is, and now I am so on board with it. This is the real deal.

My big revelation was on our first day. On the first home visit, we went into this little shack at the base of a garbage dump. It was a woman’s home that she didn’t even own because her home was washed away in a rainstorm. She shared this tiny little shack with three kids and father who was very, very sick. She was scared because he had a bad skin infection and worried that her children would get it. The conditions are just gross, and no one should have to live like that.

As we were standing in her home, listening to her story, asking her questions and praying with her, I couldn’t stop crying. My emotions were flooded from every direction. As we stood there praying for this woman and her children, I thought, this is really what the gospel is all about. This is the gospel right here.

That we’re praying for one another. That we’re helping one another. That we’re united in Jesus Christ. Through him, we’re helping one another meet our needs.

I speak at huge conferences with thousands of women, and I share the gospel message. And it’s not to take away from what I do when I share the gospel with people who come to the conferences, but I tell you, it’s a whole other thing when you’re actually going and living out the gospel.

At the conferences, we’re in cushy hotels having a great time. And we all have hardships, real hardships that we’re experiencing in our lives. But the reality is that many of those problems don’t even compare to the situations that people are living in who don’t have running water, a home, a toilet, who can barely get food and who have no medical attention. That was a big moment for me, and I realized this is what the gospel is all about.

One other thing I really took away was how important our letters are. Having talked to all the kids, they said without those letters and the relationship from the sponsors, they don’t know that they would be where they are or would have gotten through life. The letters brought hope and encouragement, just having people say, “I believe in you, and God says that you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.” The children would go back and read those letters of hope and be able to carry on and pursue life and their dreams. When you’re surrounded by such poverty and hopelessness on a daily basis, I can only imagine what that one letter truly means to them. It might be the only piece of hope that they have to hang on to.

I really encourage all sponsors to have a relationship with the children they sponsor. My writing of letters has been more on a minimal basis of responding to the letters they write me. But now, I won’t go back to having a passive position in the relationship with my sponsored children.

Visit the Compassion Website: Click Here
Candace's website:
Follow Candace on Twitter: @candacecbure

You are loved by an almighty God,


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5 Ugly Lies About Infidelity - What You Need to Know About Cheating and How to Tell If You are Being Betrayed

Infidelity is a nasty thing and you are trying to figure out if it is present in your marriage. You worry that your spouse is cheating on you but you don't know if it is the truth or not. You want to know what is happening behind your back and when your spouse is not around.

In order to know the truth about what is happening in your marriage, you need to first learn the 5 ugly lies about infidelity. Only then will you know the truth about what is happening in your marriage. You will be able to tell what is going on and you will be able to get down to the bottom of it once and for all.

The first ugly lie about infidelity is that it can happen to anyone. If you think that your marriage is impenetrable and that an affair can never happen to you, think again. Unfortunately, infidelity rates are at an all time high and now more than ever before, people in relationships are feeling tempted to stray. Never think of your marriage as being safe unless you and your partner have a complete trust and understanding in one another.

The second ugly lie about cheating is that it can go on forever. A lot of people allow the affair to get the better of them and they will continue cheating until they get caught. This is why you need to inform yourself about some signs of a cheating spouse so you know what to look for. Otherwise, you are being completely vulnerable and naive towards what is going on in your marriage.

Another nasty lie about affairs is that your partner can have multiple partners. Some people are known as serial cheaters, meaning they have cheated before they met you, and now they are cheating with you and with probably more than one person. These people have plenty of insecurity issues and if your partner is a serial cheater, then you need to watch out and save yourself.

Infidelity usually will happen again after it happens the first time. For some people, it is an honest mistake but for most, if they cheat once then they will always cheat. No matter how much you love them and how much you want to help them change, sometimes you need to remove yourself from the situation and relationship to save yourself from more heartache and pain.

The final ugly lie about infidelity is that it is not easily forgivable. Even though you want to forgive your spouse and forget, you can't. It's not easy to repair a marriage after trust is breached.

Educate yourself on the damages that cheating can cause and prepare yourself to bust your cheating spouse in the act and protect yourself today.

Infidelity All Rights Reserved

Rebuilding A Marriage After Infidelity - One Vital Element

Rebuilding marriage after infidelity happens and is an even in their lives that can never be forgotten by anyone and only a few can ever forgive. The specter of the affair haunts a marriage once it occurs and both the cheater and the victim end up miserable and often the marriage does not last. This is not one of the things that you want to happen to your relationship as man and wife.

For some this might be the better thing to happen, but for those who might be affected by the pain and do not know what to do still want to keep their marriage intact and are doing their best to understand the betrayal and work toward some sort of forgiveness... well, you need some help. You just cannot continue to live in this blackness so you have to do something. There is an important element however in this that many people end up ignoring while trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. If left alone or misunderstood this can cause a failure of understanding, communication and reconciliation. Do the exact opposite of that and find out where it can lead your relationship.
Infidelity All Rights Reserved

Can a Marriage Survive After An Affair, Cheating, Infidelity, Or Adultery?

On the day that they get married, many people believe that any form of infidelity throughout the life of the marriage would be a deal breaker. This belief is usually unwavering untilcheating actually happens. Because typically once you're confronted with an affair, you have a significant amount of history, shared memories, a home, a partnership, and perhaps even children behind you. These things can make it very difficult to close the door. And many times, as furious as you are with your spouse and as betrayed and hurt as you feel, you still, somewhere deep in your heart, continue to love them, which can be extremely frustrating too.

I get a lot of emails from people who are struggling with these issues. Many ask me questions like: "is possible for a marriage to work or torecover after infidelity?;"and "can we really moved past this?;" or "will things ever be the same again?" I'll answer these questions in the following article.

What Most People Will Need To Make A Marriage Work Following Infidelity: I find that there are a few common denominators in marriages that are able to survive affairs. First, the person who cheated is able to eventually admit that this choice was his (or hers) alone and that he (or she) is totally to blame and at fault. The cheating spouse comes to a place where they know it's pointless and irresponsible to make excuses for their actions or to try to shift blame to their spouse.

No marriage is perfect. No one gets all of the attention or understanding that they feel they deserve. Everyone has desires or feels insecure and bored sometimes. Still, not every one cheats. The difference lies in the decision that you chose to make. And, there are often many options that weren't explored. So, no matter what the circumstances were, each party must take responsibility for the actions that they took.

Second, this is not the time for secrecy or holding back. In order to get past this, both parties must be willing to be open and honest so that you both understand what may have contributed to the affair. This isnecessaryso that you can completely fix it so that you won't find yourself right back in this situation the next time that the marriage is stressed. This often means addressing communication, time, priority, and intimacy issues. This can take a bit of time. It often will not happen overnight. But, it is absolutely necessary because without this, you'll never be secure in the fact that you'll be able to trust (or be trustworthy) again.

With that said, working together through the aftermath of the affair shouldn't be all drudgery and pain. Eventually, you'll both have to begin to let go of the anger and blame. The whole idea here is to create a better marriage where both parties are secure, happy, having a good time, and are fulfilled. This isn't likely to happen if one or both parties are continuing on with the blame and resentment.

Again, give yourself time to get to this place. Don't beat yourself up if you can't envision it right now. If today you don't want to open yourself up to your spouse, that's OK and it doesn't mean that you won't change your mind tomorrow. This is a process and it very often is not linear. You will have your good days and your bad days but so long as you're willing to keep moving forward with an eye toward restoring your marriage, then be gentle with yourself.

Where Is Score Keeping And Resentment, Surviving InfidelityOften Requires Some Extra Work: Very often, what I see happen is that the cheating spouse eventually takes full responsibility and really gets on board to heal the marriage. They become accountable, supportive, and are willing to do whatever is necessary to help their spouse and their marriage heal.

And, very often the spouse who was cheated on is somewhat receptive to this. Deep down, they want to feel loved and desired again. But, somewhere else deep down, theyaren't able to let go of the lack of trust and the score keeping. There's often a need to keep on "punishing" or dredging up the past which is often like dead weight around the ankle of your marriage. So, while it seems that you should be feeling better, you really aren't. The anger still bubbles up. The resentment still rears it's ugly head. The suspicions still won't go away.

In these cases, I often tell the spouse who was cheated on to take a good look at if they've gotten all their needs met. Often, there's something that's bothering them which they haven't addressed (in the hopes that their spouse would "just know" what they needed.) And then, when their spouse can't read their mind, they think he doesn't love or understand them enough.

Here's the truth. If your spouse was really great at interpreting and then addressing feelings and doubts, you likely wouldn't be here in the first place. So, you may just need to come to terms with the fact that you may have to lead them to your needs and thoughts. In short, you may have to spell this out for them.I know thatis a raw deal, but it's the only way to ensure that you're able to shed some of this baggage and these doubts so that you can truly let go once and for all and put this behind you. Because in all honestly, the pain is just as hurtful and damaging to you as it is to them. By holding on to it, you're punishing yourself as much as you are them.

I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at

Infidelity All Rights Reserved

What Is Emotional Infidelity And How To Recognize It

Fidelity is not just having physical relationship with one person only. It relates to the tie, the link, attachment that you have for that person. Emotional infidelity is often an indication of cheating or cheating itself.

What constitute a relationship are thoughts, feelings and emotions that you share with the person. That is why emotional infidelity has an overwhelming impact on someone.

In a marriage, you both share intimate things with yourselves and not with someone outside of the marriage. Unfortunately, this bond is shared with someone else in emotional infidelity and may withdraw from the original relationship.

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After Infidelity - Protecting Your Emotional Well Being

Protecting your emotional well being after infidelity has turned your relationship and life upside down should be one of your top priorities.

Yes it's true many couples choose to end their relationship after an affair has been uncovered but there are also a lot of couples who find a way to restore their broken relationship.

So after infidelity hits you like a runaway train, you are left with a ton of emotional issues and questions to deal with. It's important that you deal with them when you are ready not when your cheating partner is ready. You should be in the driver's seat when it comes to how and when your rebuilding occurs, if you decide to try, and work it out.

So how do you protect your emotional well being after infidelity?

Get Your Questions Answered

It's important that you get your questions answered and you will no doubt have many. I'm sure you have your own but here are a few questions that have helped folks begin the healing process. Some of these are more difficult than others so I recommend trying to get answers only for the ones that matter to you.

Is this the first or only affair? Who is the other person? How long has the affair been going on? Are you still seeing the person? Do you love the person? Why did he or she cheat? Who else knows about the affair? Did you have unprotected sex? Do you have any children conceived with this person? How much of our money have you spent on or with this person? Do you still love me? Do you still want a relationship with me?

Now, after infidelity you may experience some of these feelings or emotions; disbelief, anger, hatred, resentment or desire for revenge and that's expected. Getting some of your questions answered by your cheating partner will help you better understand the infidelity and begin the healing process.

You will also have many questions you have for yourself such as; did I cause the affair to happen, can I make my partner happy or what changes could I make to help the relationship work out? It's natural after infidelity to try to understand what you could have done differently to prevent the affair.

It is my hope that you take care of your emotional well being so that you don't get depressed or eat improperly because of the pain you are experiencing.

Please know that you can be healed and in fact, if it's your desire your relationship can be restored as well. To see how it's possible I want you to take a step of faith and read here Affair Repair about a couple who was in your shoes but now have a wonderful relationship after infidelity.

Don't let your past dictate your future. Click here to learn more about Healing After Infidelity.

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Saturday, August 20, 2011

3 Steps to Surviving Infidelity and Regain an Emotional Connection

One of the most important elements in surviving infidelity in your marriage and begin the healing process is to deepen your emotional connection with your spouse. If both spouses are not committed to working on maintaining and strengthening their connection to one another, it makes it almost impossible to move forward.

Right now you might not think that it's possible to get an emotional connection back with your spouse, or maybe it's too soon for you to think about it. You might be asking yourself, "My marriage is a mess, how can we ever get it back?" Or maybe you don't want to move forward because you feel like it will be letting him off the hook too easily.

After a spouse cheats, the other spouse might doubt that they can achieve a strong and trusting relationship again. Is it possible to trust somebody again? It won't happen overnight, it will most likely take months, but if you're willing to try to get that emotional connection back, you could be on the road to an even more satisfying relationship that you had hoped. You have to decide to not let the affair define you or your marriage. You can move past it.

Here are 3 steps to help you begin to get that emotional connection back.

Step 1: Complete, 100% Honesty

The first rule to getting the emotional connection back in your marriage is complete honesty. You can't learn to trust each other if you have any doubts. It does no good to say "It's nothing, everything is fine." We've all heard that before, and did we believe it? No. But we've all let that comment slide by a time or two. All that does is make you question the honesty of the person that said it. By following the rule of 100% honesty, there won't be any doubt on either spouse's mind during the conversation.

Step 2: Set the Ground Rules for Questions

After the commitment of 100% honesty, there might be some questions that you can't yet handle the truthful answers to. Or, there's the temptation to ask a question that you already know the answer to, but want him to say it out loud so you can rub his nose in it. Is it satisfying? Yes. Is it helpful to moving on in your relationship and start the healing? No. If your goal is to move beyond the infidelity, you and your spouse will need to come up with a list of questions that are okay to ask. You can start small, you're not trying to take over the world here, you're just trying to start an honest dialogue.

Step 3: Arrange a "Talk" Date

It may sound a little silly, but let's be honest. You could possibly be at the point to where you don't even want to look at your spouse, let alone talk to them. Maybe you're fine right now relegating him to a different part of the house. You might even be thinking, "What's the point of talking to him because I'm not going to believe a word out of his mouth anyways?" That's a totally valid point, but if you've committed to doing Step 1 and Step 2, then Step 3 is where you can put them in action, and start to remove the doubts.

Talking to your spouse after an infidelity is not going to be 100% productive all the time, especially at the start. By arranging a talk date, you can both prove to each other that you're committed to the repair of the relationship. This happens just by you showing up. Setting a date also helps both of you to prepare yourselves mentally and emotionally to having an open conversation. You both come to the table for the specific reason to talk, and with that, you can each focus better on each other.

Getting an emotional connection back with your spouse after an infidelity will take work. The connection was damaged before the infidelity, during, and now after. The 3 steps of 100% honesty, setting ground rules, and arranging a time to talk, will take time and patience to implement. If done, you will now be able to move your marriage forward, surviving the infidelity, and emotionally connecting with one another.

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How to Deal With Infidelity-7 Steps To Moving Past the Pain

Your marriage has been ripped apart by an affair. You don't know what to do or where to turn for help. You want to save your marriage, but you just aren't sure you can...

First things first, you must get control of your emotions and learn how to deal with infidelity.

7 Steps to Help Deal With a Spousal Affair

1. Get all your questions answered
As an injured spouse, you want to know what happened. Although you know it's going to be painful hearing the sordid details, it will help you learn how to deal with infidelity in the long run. Once you work through the details, you can move on to analyzing why the affair happened.

2. Dont' let emotions shut down communication
Yes, you're hurting...but if you begin to lose control of your emotions, your spouse will stop talking. Shouting, screaming, etc...are a ll emotions that paralyze a conversation. Although they may be emotional outlets, they are not conducive to good dialogue when learning how to deal with infidelity.

3. Don't let the affair monopolize your time
Set aside 20 to 40 minutes to talk about the affair. Don't let it take over every minute of your lives. Your spouse knows you're learning how to deal with infidelity and if they want to save the marriage they will be willing to set aside time for discussion. Just remember not to lose control.

4. Expect the unexpected
Your spouse may accuse you of cheating on them or become angry for no apparent reason. Remember to redirect this back back to the infidelity.

5. Share your feelings about the affair
Part of learning how to deal with infidelity requires that you open up to your spouse about the range of emotions you are feeling due to the affair...anger, shock, feelings of betrayal, sadness, etc... Rebuild an emotional bond with your spouse to help repair the marriage.

6. Lean on your support network
Your family and friends want to help you heal. Leaning on them for support will help you not feel so alone.

7. Forgive only when you are ready
Your spouse must understand that you are learning how to deal with infidelity one step at a time. As trust is regained, you will know when it's time to forgive.

You are going through a heartbreaking and emotional time. You have the strength to reach deep inside and pull from the bottom of your heart to get through this and make the decision that is right for you.

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Recovering From Infidelity and Reclaiming Your Inner Sanctuary

When recovering from infidelity in a marriage, learning how to release the power of obsessive thoughts about the affair is essential to reclaiming your inner sanctuary, that is, your mind. It's not uncommon to find yourself being bombarded with negative thoughts and images constantly. But realize that you can't change the past, but you can make your future better by managing your thinking. In the long run, only you can reclaim your mind by eliminating the stream of negative thoughts that invades it at every opportunity.

It seems unfair that you (the betrayed spouse) should have no peace, even in your own mind, from your cheating spouse's selfish actions. Lets face it, betrayal is very hard to overcome, you're all tied up in knots just thinking about all the sordid details. You can't seem to get those negative thoughts and emotions out of your head. And yet, despite their tenacious hold on you, you can repair you r thinking and heal emotionally, if you are willing to struggle against your old thoughts and replace them with positive ones.

There are ways for you to control your thoughts and fend off those negative emotions that you are feeling. One thing you can do is to have a ready list of positive thoughts prepared in your mind, so that whenever something triggers a mental image that would lead into negative thinking about the affair, you'll have a standby image ready and waiting to replace it with. You need to plan ahead by creating actionable steps to break the negative thought pattern. That means that if you discover that a certain activity brings up these thoughts, then switch to something else.

Recovering from infidelity can be a long and painful process and learning how to overcome the mental images and emotions can prove to be quite challenging. But you can make your thoughts your own once again and rec laim your inner sanctuary. You just need to learn how to reclaim your ability to entertain only those thoughts that build you up, rather than destroy your peace of mind.

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Financial Infidelity… 31% Report Being Dishonest About Money

When most people think of infidelity in a marriage, they immediately think of a cheating spouse. But did you know there is another form of infidelity in a marriage, that can be just as damaging? We're talking about financial infidelity � lying to one's spouse about money. Forbes just reported an interesting article on this. In a recent survey, one in three Americans (31%) who have combined their finances with their spouse, have admitted to lying about money. Among the crimes admitted to were hiding cash, minor and major purchases and bills, keeping secret bank accounts and lying about their debt and earnings.

These indiscretions can cause significant damage to relationships. Among couples impacted by financial infidelity, 67% said the deception led to an argument, 42% reported a loss of trust, and 16% said it led to divorce. "Betrayal regarding money can be just as painful and damaging as other kinds of cheating," says Tina Tessina, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. When a partner is caught concealing huge amounts of debt or involved in money-related addictions, the result can be a "total loss of trust, feelings of betrayal and destruction of the relationship."

Wow. 31% is a pretty alarming statistic, we think. It's worth being aware of. If you suspect that your spouse has been lying to you about money we urge you to speak to them first. If that still does not settle your mind, we offer services in finding hidden assets, so you can give us a call for a consultation anytime.

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How Does Cheating Affect Your Marriage?

It's pretty much common sense to know that, at least initially, infidelity, affairs, and cheating can have a devastating effect on your marriage. This is the most severe of all betrayals and it can literally challenge everything that you've ever believed about your spouse and your marriage. It hurts your self esteem. It erodes the trust. It leads to resentment and a loss of intimacy and vulnerability.

In short, each party is left injured, hurt, and not sure how to proceed to make things right again. But, it doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage if you're both committed to not letting it do so. You will have to correctly address and fix the fall out to over come it, but it certainly can be done. I'll discuss the effects of infidelity on a marriage and then tell you how to work through them in the following article.

Give Yourself Permission To Feel And Then Process Whatever Feelings Come Out, Feel Them Fully, And Then Move On: Initially, you will likely be extremely shocked, angry, and reeling. Many people will try to deny or push down these very negative feelings because acknowledging them brings about scary feelings of fear and vulnerability. However, if you tell yourself you're fine when you're really not or if you cheat yourself of experiencing these feelings and then releasing them, you're truly only delaying your own progress.

You must acknowledge and then experience these feelings and release them in order to move past them for good. If you don't, they will just keep returning and haunting you over and over. This will be frustrating and will only make things worse. With that said, once you've taken the time to process your feelings, make a commitment to not dwell on them. The best case scenario is for you to fully heal from this, emerging completely whole. This is not going to be possible if you keep bringing up the negative and allow these things to keep you from being as happy and joyful as you deserve to be.

Don't Rush Past Identifying And Then Working Through Whatever Issues Contributed To The Infidelity: I am completely aware of how painful it is to have the hard conversations that will help you to pinpoint why your spouse chose to betray you in this way. Many people really have an inclination to skip this step because they mistakenly think that putting their cards on the table is really only wallowing in the mire of their misery. Admittedly, this is a difficult process that may not be much fun. It's natural to want things to get back to normal or to feel better as soon as is possible.

But, if you don't become aware of the problems and then fix them how are you going to be sure that this is not going to happen again? How can you be confident enough to trust again? How will you feel as secure as you need to be to make this work? Because in order to really be able to move on, you need to have peace of mind. You need to not fear that you're going to be hurt again. In order to get to this place, you must understand where your marriage's vulnerabilities are and then fix them. As a last step, you should put safe guards in place that will keep both of you secure and moving forward.

Knowing That You Don't Have To Settle For Less Than What You Deserve: Many people go through the recovery process dragging their feet because frankly they know that the pay off isn't all that great. So they accept their spouse back and bitterly look forward to limping on with their vulnerable and broken marriage. What's to like about this? Not much. To really be successful, you need to look forward to something that you can get excited about. You need to create something that is new, fresh, and better.

This is going to look differently for every couple. What works for one may not work for another. But the real key here is identifying what you need and want and then simply asking for it and making it very clear that you won't accept anything less. Of course, you must be willing to do the same for your spouse, but the pay off to this is huge because you will both emerge a lot happier and more fulfilled. Often, people really want a fresh new start. They don't want to continue doing things in the same stagnant way. They want to create a new and better reality that excites and motivates them to keep going.

Looking For Fulfillment In Your Own Mirror: This is a small point, but one that I know is necessary to make. Healing and recovery lies as much within yourself as it does within your spouse. Yes, you must work together as a couple. Yes, a lot of this is joint work that you must do together. But, some of it must be done alone. You will likely lack self esteem after being cheated on. You may doubt yourself. You may feel weak and vulnerable. And so, you must do whatever is necessary to build yourself back you. You must give yourself permission to care for yourself as the same way you would your children, your job, or your spouse.

You deserve every bit as much of yourself as these folks do. And a mom and wife who is happy with her own inner life is going to be more effective for and to those she loves. Do the things you've always been putting up or have always wanted to do. You deserve it and there is no better time than now. Self confidence and self respect are absolutely necessary to move forward in whatever life throws at you and this is a very attractive trait that is going to draw people to you. Don't allow yourself to be a victim. You are no one's victim. Take control and create the life that you want.

I know that healing from infidelity and restoring your self esteem is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at

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How Can I Save My Marriage? - Does Adultery or Infidelity Have To End In Divorce?

Adultery or infidelity of any kind is certainly a serious problem for any marriage to overcome. How can I save my marriage when that has occurred? Let us look at this issue from both sides, whether it was you who committed adultery or your spouse. First let me say that infidelity does not have to mean the end of the marriage and result in divorce.

That is not to say that saving your marriage will be easy, however. In many cases there can be some blame for both spouses when adultery has occurred. Mitigating circumstances do not excuse the action, do not take this the wrong way. But it is unfair to entirely blame one spouse if the other was responsible for circumstances that made that person highly susceptible to another persons advances or availability.

A person asking how can I save my marriage after adultery has at least one thing going for them; the desire to save the marriage. Now if you can get your spouse to sign on to that goal then you have a big advantage. But let us take one step at a time.

Whenever there are conflict issues to be resolved in a marriage you want to step back for a bit and make sure you have your emotions at least mostly under control. Infidelity in a marriage brings perhaps the most emotion to the table of any conflict needing to be resolved.

The one thing that is not going to do anyone any good is if a discussion turns into an argument or fight. Being able to keep your voice as calm as possible will do a great deal to help keep the conversation from escalating into an unpleasant argument that you do not want.

In order to save your marriage and prevent divorce there are one of two scenarios. One is that you are the one guilty of the infidelity in which case you need to confess, repent and ask forgiveness. Whether you think your spouses actions or lack thereof had anything to do with it does not matter. Take responsibility and be willing to make some changes that are needed to rebuild trust.

The other scenario is that your spouse is the guilty party. Here you are going to have to be ready to forgive when they sincerely ask your forgiveness. It will not be easy, but necessary if you want to rebuild your relationship. Take a close look at your own behavior that may have left your spouse wide open to taking this fall. I have explained in other articles the things that can drive a person toward adultery that I do not have room for here.

Either scenario requires that both spouses be willing to really step out in faith toward a new beginning for the marriage. Mutual respect and trust were likely not strong before or this probably would not have happened. Start now by being totally honest with each other about yo ur feelings, your needs in the marriage and what you are willing to do to put the marriage back together.

You can get help from impartial third parties such as counselors if you think you might need a mediator for the times you discuss the issues before you. Take one step at a time and remain civil in your attitudes and actions toward your partner.

How can I save my marriage after infidelity is not a short or simple topic. It can be quite complex and involved. Despite what you think this problem did not materialize overnight and it will not be fixed overnight either.

We have what I believe is the best resource available for couples to use for saving a marriage at our website. You can download it immediately. The address is Please take action today.

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How To Deal With Infidelity? Rekindle Love In Your Marriage Life

You all may be aware that infidelity is one among the main reasons that create rift in a marriage. One of the partners having an affair is what splits up a marriage. And the painful thing is that the other partner should endure all the betrayals and sufferings which make rekindling love in a marriage life after infidelity very hard.

There are two types of infidelity. We have the emotional infidelity where emotions or feelings are being exchanged and the physical infidelity where sexual intercourse is involved. We all knew about physical infidelity but emotional infidelity is now becoming very popular. This is du e to our places of work and societal commitments which are now more contemporary and mixed compared to long time ago.
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Emotional Infidelity - Recognize It and Stop It

Emotional infidelity is a very dangerous step on the road to a physical affair and can in fact be considered a form of cheating. A person engaged in this behavior is playing a very dangerous game and needs help to preserve the current relationship.

Deep emotional bonds are to be reserved for a marriage or those in a serious relationship. Developing emotional ties to a coworker or a friend is directing relationship energy to the wrong person. The person on the receiving end of this infidelity is also getting strong signals that he or she is desirable for a full blown affair.

Emotional infidelity is when a person in a relationship begins sharing personal conversations normally reserved for a spouse or partner with someone he or she is not involved with. This can be through normal conversation, texting, emailing or online forums or chats.

The point is that a bonding process is forming with the wrong person. It normally is the case the these types of personal sharing are then NOT happening with the person they are in a relationship with or married to. It is a clear indication of a problem in the main relationship.

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How To Survive an Act of Infidelity and Begin To Rediscover Yourself

Let us look at this emotional affair, this act of infidelity that we find ourselves in at this time. Having been in this position myself I understand the feelings of people that are suffering from emotions caused by your partner, wife or husband having an affair. I would like to share with you some things we must look at before we can begin to survive the emotion, before we can even begin to rediscover who we actually are.

There is pain, there is a lot of emotional pain and unlike physical pain you can't take a pill to help. We must face the pain head on. It helps to know that your spouse has to deal with the negatives of their stupid mistake and their selfishness. It helps to know that in most cases the person your husband or wife cheated with is no better, smarter or more talented than you in any way, but these are the thoughts that are in our heads causing self doubt and to question our worth.

As quirky as it sounds, this infidelity that has caused the emotional affair has given us the opportunity to rediscover ourselves and this is the beginning of the recovery. Life does go on and we have to be part of it. I have found that the most important thing we must do is to focus on ourselves, focus on our thoughts, how happy have I been? Do I really want to be the same as I was prior to the affair? Try and get rid of the negatives in our mind and replace them only with positives. Yes I am as good as ever; I can come out the winner because I am better than the ones our husband or wife cheated with.

You may well say that it is not easy to be positive in these circumstances and I wholeheartedly agree it is not easy, but you will find that it is the beginning of a recovery from the emotional hell that the infidelity has caused. When you are strong in mind you are much more able to look your partner in the eye and discuss it rationally.

There is a great deal of help available on the subject of infidelity, you must never be afraid to access it.

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Getting Married Might Be The Way To A Longer Life

                                            Photo used under Creative Commons by alancleaver_2000

By Nigel Lawson

I remember being single, young, and vivacious, believing I would never get married, live forever, and party until I died.  Well, that was twenty or so years ago.  Nowadays, I can’t finish a half a can of beer without falling asleep.  Good thing I quit partying years ago because a recent study by Researchers from the University of Louisville in Kentucky showed that single men tend to die sooner than married men. 

Read the article for yourself, and share your thoughts and comments. Being Single Could Mean An Earlier Death: Study

Friday, August 19, 2011

Infidelity! While Minnies Away Mickey Mouse Will Play!

Minnie and Mickey Mouse is the quintessential marriage that has withstood the test of time. This perfect union has inspired millions of adults with an indescribable magic, and dazzled children of all walks at America's greatest theme parks. But, rumor has it that the magic castle has crumbled! While Minnie was away at Disneyland Resort Paris, apparently Mickey was seen around town fraternizing with a variety of starlets.

Friends of the couple are sad but trying to be upbeat. Mr. Goofy was heard saying, " Garsh, I thought it would last forever, but still they were together for 78 years. Maybe they can work things out."

Now, of course the story above is purely of a satirical and fictitious nature since it is based on to beloved cartoon characters. But, that leads us to a couple of all important questions:

1. Why are people unfaithful in a relationship?

2. What exactly causes them to stray?

Well, five years ago I set out on a quest to teach people the most effective way of saving a relationship, and I have helped hundreds of people do just that! But, I have also spent the past 5 years helping people save their relationship from the pit of infidelity!

First, before we go any further, let me say that only you can decide to save or end your relationship if your partner has been unfaithful. Sometimes relationships can't and shouldn't be saved - especially when abuse and/or addiction is involved. But, it is my experience that many of them can be saved!

So, why do people stray from a relationship? Well, most people believe that the reason for being unfaithful stems from a moment of weakness concerning sexual desire. However, my experience has taught me something entirely different! In most cases, the partner that is unfaithful attempts to continue with the affair yet refuses to end their marriage or relationship. If it were merely a matter of fulfilling sexual desire, as many believe, there would be no reason to hold onto the marriage or relationship. You see, it actually has very little to do with sexual desire with the one exception being a sexual addiction. Most people stray from a relationship because a particular emotional need is not being met. Therefore, if you want to save your relationship the key is to determine what that need is and correct the situation!

The following provides a brief outline for overcoming infidelity. For additional information you may subscribe to my free E-guide below.

To save your relationship the following criteria must first be present;

1. You are willing to understand why he has strayed, and are willing to correct the problem.

2. You are willing to forgive him for his behavior.

The above criteria are based on the fact that you are the offended partner, if in fact you have strayed from the relationship then it would take your partners willingness to understand and forgive. However, it will also require your willingness to end the affair and cease your behavior.

Why did one of you stray?

In a successful relationship, two partners meet each other's emotional needs. But when these needs go unmet in the relationship, partners are tempted to go outside the relationship to satisfy them. A lack of understanding of what these emotional needs are often contributes to a couple's failure to meet them. Men try to meet needs that they value, and women do the same. You see, often in a failing relationship both partners usually act from their male and female elements respectively, and end up trying to meet the wrong needs. A man does not want a partner that acts strictly from the female element, but rather from a balance of both elements. Sure, he wants a partner that is caring, compassionate, understanding, loving, affectionate, and romantic! Sure, he wants a partner that he is physically and sexually attracted to, but more than anything else he wants a partner that makes him feel like a man! He wants a partner that walks through life with feminine grace.

However, quite frequently in a relationship crisis a women attempts to meet the needs of her partner by showering him with the needs that she values most, such as affection, caring, compassion, understanding and love. At this point in the crisis he has already begun to withdrawal, so taking this approach will only demonstrate that you can't meet his needs, and will prove to be disastrous. Furthermore, the more you continue this approach the more you will drive your partner away, hence seeking fulfillment outside the relationship. Now, I know your probably thinking, but he's the one that had the affair! He's wrong, not me! Well, there is no question that what he did was wrong, but if you want to continue to place the blame squarely on his shoulders then you may as well draw up the divorce settlement agreement, or pull the plug on the relationship right now!!!!

You see, until you are willing to look at what you did or didn't do in the relationship to meet his needs, and how to fix it, he's not going to change and neither is your relationship!!!!!!!!!! What have you done in the relationship that caused his needs to go unmet? Sometimes it does involve a lack of sexual fulfillment and intimacy, although that is generally not the main reason!

If Your Partner was Unfaithful!

If your partner has been unfaithful, he has broken the bond of your relationship and has undermined your trust in him. Certainly, this has caused you to be pelted with a torrential barrage of emotions ranging from, feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger. You may in fact even feel that he owes you some form of compensation for what he has done, and at times feel like you want to punish him for it! These are common reactions to infidelity by the offended partner, but you will need to move beyond these feeling if you wish to save your relationship. Try and understand that the past is the past, and there is not a darn thing you can do to change it, so holding on to it will only hurt you! Think about it, is the anger and resentment you are feeling inside right now hurting him? No, of course not! It's hurting you! Yes, he was the one that had the affair! Is he wrong for doing so? Yes! But you have got to pull yourself up by the b oot straps, come to the realization that he strayed from the marriage for a reason, and understand that until you're willing to fix the problem nothing in your life or relationship is going to change!

You must ascertain which emotional needs went unmet and ultimately caused him to stray from the marriage. You can do this by reviewing what patterns of self limiting beliefs have sabotaged your relationship, and which forms of family dysfunctions they have originated from. Once you have definitively uncovered the self limiting beliefs, it is then time to uncover how they have prevented you from fulfilling your partner's needs. Have they prevented you from being fully intimate, or have your fears and insecurities caused you to be jealous, suspicious, or controlling? I am sure you can read between the lines, and if you do a bit of reflection you will see that your partner has complained to you about what has gone unmet.

What if you have allowed the affair to continue?

Have you elected to stay in your relationship and permit an affair to continue for your children's sake, or because your scared and afraid? Well, you are not alone because many people often do, in an act of desperation to save their relationship. However, what you don't realize is that your lack of self esteem and self confidence is part of the underlying reason why your partner strayed from the relationship in the first place! Therefore, in essence, you are only confirming to your partner that they were justified for being unfaithful because you have proven to him that you can't meet his needs. Furthermore, by staying in such a relationship under those circumstances you have given him a license to keep you on an emotional roller coaster for years to come. Why should he choose chocolate or vanilla when he can have them both!!!!!!! You see, some of his needs are being met by his paramour, and some of his other needs are being met by you. Therefore, it's no big surprise that he wants to have both!!!

Now, I am not at all suggesting that you give him an ultimatum at this point since that would be like pouring salt in his open wound! However, what I am saying is that after you present your statement of agreement you will need to begin to send him subtle messages that will state that you don't condone his behavior and that you arent going to continue to tolerate it. As you manage the dynamics of the relationship, and time goes on, you will need to make the message progressively stronger. You want to arrive at a particular juncture of the choice between chocolate and vanilla, although the way to get him to choose that is by attraction, rather than force. In addition to sending him subtle messages of intolerance, you must also avoid becoming part of his behavior or enabling his affair.

The following statements provide a few examples of how to deliver the message of intolerance;

1. If your partner makes an attempt to be intimate or affectionate towards you. Simply state that you do not feel comfortable with that, and you are not going to participate while he is involved in a relationship with another partner!

2. If your partner attempts to introduce your children to his paramour. State that doing so is not in the children's best interest, and you are not going to permit them to be subjected to such behavior!

3. If you partner attempts to discuss his paramour with you. Explain that you do not feel comfortable holding a discussion with him about the person that he is continuing to have an affair with, and remove yourself from the room!

Your compensation!

Is not at all uncommon for the offended spouse to want some form of compensation for the infidelity their partner has committed, although to often this leads to a mindset of seeking punishment or revenge! You must be willing to let go of the resentment you are holding onto, and be willing to forgive your partner, or you will destroy any chance you have of saving the relationship. Your prize or compensation will be attracting your partner back on your terms, and having the relationship that you've always dreamed of!!!

If you have Been Unfaithful!

If you have been unfaithful to your partner, and have broken the bond and trust of the relationship, you will need to regain their trust and their forgiveness. Unfortunately, this is not an easy undertaking, but can be achieved when approached in the correct way. Obviously, you strayed from the relationship because some of your needs were unmet, but for the moment I would like you to put that aside! You see, when your partner first learns of your infidelity they will be experiencing a plethora of emotions, which includes the emotions of anger and resentment. They will feel that you've betrayed them, and in many cases will want to punish you, and will even expect to be compensated for your actions. Therefore, now would not be a good time to express your unhappiness in the relationship, and your needs being unmet as the direct cause of your infidelity! To do this would be th e equivalent of pouring salt in their open wound. Therefore, you should do exactly the opposite, agree with them! You should draft a statement of agreement, which demonstrates your awareness of the fact that you strayed from the marriage, and it should include anything else that your partner blames you for in the relationship.

For more information on drafting a statement of agreement subscribe to my Free E-Guide "The Secret Principles to Saving a Relationship."

This will defuse much of the anger and hostility they feel towards you, although they will continue to express their desire to punish you, or to be compensated for your actions for some time. The absolute worst thing that you can do is to feed into their power play! Do not attempt to over row the relationship boat by jumping to their beckon call, as this will only prolong their efforts to punish you and will worsen the relationship crisis. After you present your statement of agreement to your partner, you should stick to happy talk, or short, pleasant, conversations that don't involve any serious talk about the relationship or the infidelity. If your partner attempts to punish you in someway, you should avoid commenting about it, and remove yourself from the situation by stepping back.

You must subtly send them a message that you are not going to allow them to punish you, and nor will you let their actions affect you. This should not be accomplished by arguing with them, or by finding fault with their actions. When your partner begins to realize that their attempts at punishing you have proven to be fruitless, in all likelihood they will cease their behavior. Once your partner has put down their guns, and has ceased the incessant behavior then and only then will you be able to move forward with saving the relationship. Continue to be pleasant and seize every opportunity to engage in short, happy conversation. However, do not make any advances at this point toward romantic endeavors. Be content to take it slowly and let your partner come to you! When he does, show some understanding and compassion for what he is feeling.

Do not defend yourself, or attempt to justify what you have done! Tell him that you agree and understand how he feels, and that you are sorry for the pain you have caused him. However, you must remain confident. Do not plead or beg for forgiveness! Remember, desperation is not attractive to anyone.

Ok, you've got him gravitating back to you, so now what? Well, if you're looking for you partner to come to you and ask how he could fulfill your needs, it is unlikely that will happen! Let me say that this is going to take some patience on your part, and for now you should be content with allowing your partner to dictate the speed at which the relationship progresses. Be patient, and just be your happy, confident self!

In the mean time, let's get started on the real work that is going to transform the relationship! The end goal is to get your partner to change so that he can meet your needs, right! But that it's probably not going to happen by you telling him to! Yes, he has contributed to your failing relationship and your infidelity, but the bigger question is how have you contributed to it? What have you done that caused him to withdrawal and not meet your emotional needs? You see, the way to get him to change is by changing your side of the equation. As a matter of fact it's the only way!

For more details on drafting a statement of agreement or how to save a relationship subscribe to my Free E-Guide and weekly E-Zine.

Saving Relationship

Best wishes,

David Roppo

Infidelity All Rights Reserved

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