Saturday, October 29, 2011

What a Day That Will Be

As my dad is walking through the last hours of his life I'm reminded of a day in October 2010. He called to tell me that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and that it had metastasized to his brain. Immediately after giving me the news he started to sing over the phone.

There is coming a day when no heartaches shall come.
No more clouds in the sky, no more tears to dim the eye.
All is peace forevermore on that happy golden shore,
What a day, glorious day that will be...

Tears streamed down my face as I hung onto every word.

This past weekend I took a quick trip to Hershey, Pennsylvania, and while I was there I found out that once again his health was failing fast. I called my mom and asked her if she could put the telephone to Dad's ear. Knowing that he has lost his ability to speak this past year, I opened my mouth and began to sing...

There'll be no sorrow there, no more burdens to bear,
No more sickness, no pain, no more parting over there;
And forever I will be with the One who died for me,
What a day, glorious day that will be...

Last night I rushed home from Pennsylvania, tears pouring down my face for hours on end until I finally reached his bedside and took in the smile that spread accross his weary face. His frail hand reached out for mine, and in that holy place where kindred spirits blend we held on tightly for as long as we could. Then I knew that he needed to rest.

Yes--he could go home any hour now, but through the tears there's one thing I know for sure... God's grace is more than sufficient for me.

You are loved by an almighty God,


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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Halloween Horror Break Up Stories! Beware of Ghoulish Girlfriends!

Photo used under Creative Commons from Sara G...'s

by Nigel Lawson

We've all been through it - The Break Up From Hell!  A torturous time betrayal pierces your heart, nausea writhes in your stomach, and loneliness flattens your soul, leaving you unwilling to trust another human being on the face of Earth.

The following is a horrific break up story I ran across on that simply made my skin crawl.  The author granted me permission to reprint this in hopes other divorced dudes and dudettes would benefit from his own tale of terror.

by Mr. D

I'd found the love of my life - I'm 49, she's 44 - After two divorces, she was refreshing - an intellectual geek like me, but funny, oh-so-sexy, smart, gorgeous body, everything a guy could want. All was going well for a year or so; we both had more fun and experienced more closeness than we'd felt in previous relationships.

Then, in July of this year, she joined a softball team at work. The first few weeks were fine - I had stuff to do on the nights she played, all was good. But then I became aware of a slight distancing.  The spontaneous 'I love you' texts stopped; she became irritated with me at the slightest thing. Instead of giving her space however, I emotionally panicked, thinking I was losing her, and became clingy and needy.

This ultimately drove her even further away, and at the beginning of August she dumped me, stating 'she couldn't be in a relationship' (claiming there was too much going on with her ex-husbands, children, grandchildren etc) - I could see all the signs however - there was another guy - someone she works with - who was also on the softball team.

We texted/emailed occasionally, but we also both play on the same pool league team every Tuesday night. A few Tuesdays later, she came home with me after the game like she always used to, and claimed she'd missed what we had, and felt very guilty how she'd treated me. Well within a few weeks, we'd planned the engagement, found a house, looked at rings and dresses etc - I was euphoric.

The night before we were due to move in, she mentioned the last hurdle - she needed a face-to-face with this 'other guy' to tell him what was happening. As I left her bed that morning, she said 'I love you, I adore you, I worship you - let me do this, and we'll be happy for ever'. I went to work, feeling a little uncomfortable, but had lots to sort out with the utilities etc for the house.

So, I'm at the house that Thursday evening, moving stuff in from my apartment - and don't hear from her for a few hours. Trying to stifle my insecurities, I let it go, waiting for her return and to start our new life.Well, she doesn't come home. Doesn't return any of my texts or calls. I'm at the new house Friday morning, out of my mind - when the cable man turns up I text her asking what's going on - I get a six word reply - "I'm not moving - I'm so sorry" - and that was it!

One can imagine how I felt - trying to cancel everything at the house, make all the un-arrangements. A few days later we had to meet to swap respective stuff (and for me to get the new cell-phones I got on a family plan for her and the daughters!) - it transpires she spent the night with the other guy, but I had decided a few days before that 'something didn't feel right'.

I'm angry, I'm so incredibly bewildered and lost - the obsessive thoughts fill my mind constantly. I genuinely feel like I cannot be happy without her, but the few remaining rational brain cells I have left tell me there's no way I could get back with her, knowing I'd end up being hurt again.

I'm trying so hard to focus on 'me' - but everything and I mean EVERYthing I do, watch, read, wear, eat, see, reminds me of her. The constant anxiety and chest pain/knotted stomach and spiraling thoughts are becoming so physically and mentally exhausting. I'm so empty and lonely - I can't see a future for myself. I miss her so much. How does one bounce back from this??

When we live through a horrific nightmare like this one, we all need to remember one thing, and that is...  The sun rises every morning, and when we wake, we wake to a brand new day.  Find friends! Find relatives! Find support groups!  Find anyone who will help you through your roughest times.  I'm glad Mr. D reached out by sharing his story.  I truly believe writing is the best form of therapy.

If you have a story you want to share with The Divorced Dudes Club, email me at or just post it in the comments below.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Update and a Guest Post

I just wanted to give you all an update on my dad's condition. He has increased somewhat in strength from last Tuesday, but is very weak at this time. I am spending a lot of time at my parents house helping my mom take care of him, and since they don't have internet I am not able to update my blog often.

I hope to resume the 31 Days of Love series next week.

Until next time, please visit "The Better Mom" where I have written a post called,"How to Achieve Unity in Marriage."

Thank you all for your prayers.

You are loved by an almighty God,


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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

31 Days of Love Postponed - Please Pray

Friends, would you join me in praying for Darlene and her family? Her father is very ill and they are spending time with him during the final days of his life. During this difficult time she will be postponing her 31 Days of Love Series, and will join you all again when things settle down. Thank you for your understanding and for your prayers.

Ruth Schwenk

Monday, October 17, 2011

My Past Feelings Of Infidelity

Although much time has  passed, I feel as though it's been a true lifetime that I was in this relationship. Gone is my life that was full of stress. I still remember the days when he came home from work, and me quickly going through his phone and writing down numbers and listening to the other women's messages while he was in the shower....and always being in a hurry before he found out. What a horrible time in life that was for me !  I am not the kind of woman who believes that a woman should just go and check her hubby's phone just for the fun of it.... but in my case, there was way too much evidence of his infidelity, and he was telling me that it was all in my head. I felt like I had to defend what I was hearing. I mean, even when the other woman wrote him a love letter, it was proof right in my hand, but he firmly denied it all.
Thinking that you have to prove your point is honestly a very bad place to be in...and I know, first hand, what that all felt like. Some people believe that once you have a small amount of evidence, that that's enough to break apart your marriage, but me, being a firm believer in marriage and true partnership and the fidelity of vows, I felt like I had to have more proof at that time...would I do it all over again?  Well, I probably would have, if it was me having to deal with the same man and his sneakiness. My ex made me feel as though I was losing my mind...and he was good at playing mind games. Having the strength to make my decision to just walk out was one of the hardest things in life I have ever had to do, but today....I am so happy that I finally decided to stand up for myself.
Today my self esteem is back to normal and I feel like a new woman. Never again, will I allow a  man to tear me down to the point that I was back then. It took time....too much time, I feel, but it was all worth it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Time Lessens The Pain

It has been a little while since I wrote in my blog, not because I haven't wanted to, but it seems that life just finds so much for me to do these days. I am not abandoning my blog, but trying to rebuild my life, and all is well. I never ever would have thought that while going through the pain of infidelity, that one day I would feel less pain than I did during those horrible years in my life, but honestly, time really does lessen the pain.  I haven't forgotten about what he put me through, nor do I ever think I will forget about it, but during the time you are experiencing the hurt inside your very heart and soul, you cry and wonder "why"  and you have that nagging question of why did it have to happen to you...why didn't he/she love you enough to stay true to you.  I have never found the answer to that question.  Maybe some people truly do find the answers, but I never did. However, after all the time of crying, questions and wondering if I will ever get over it, I finally started by putting one foot in front of the other....and that takes time. It takes willpower too. It took me so much time that I began each day with something new. Making a new day for me...a new week, a new month and a new year.  With each little step I took, I found myself replacing new habits and likes for old habits and such. I replaced some of those bad days with new memories, new thoughts and new surroundings. Time has not healed my memories, but time has rebuilt my thoughts and dreams....Life really does and CAN get better, one day at a time. Slowly but surely.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Divorce and Halloween: It Doesn't Need To Be Scary

Photo used under Creative Commons from wwarby

by Nigel Lawson

With Halloween just around the corner, fighting your way through department store crowds in search of the perfect costumes for the kids and bags of Hersey's Miniatures might not be the only thing your dreading this Fall. Dealing with an ex-spouse might be just as scary, especially if this is your first Halloween after divorce.

Well, no fear! Here are some tips to tame any ghoulish ex-spouse on All Hallows Eve.

1. Involve your kids.  Before making any plans, talk to your children.  Ask them what they would like to do for Halloween.  At this point you can ask if your ex-spouse has made any Halloween plans with your children.  It would be horrific if you made extensive plans and then found out your spouse has already promised to take your children to the neighborhood haunted block party.

2. Be ready to share.  If your ex has not mentioned spending time with the children on Halloween, don't assume he/she has no plans.   Speak to your ex and decide who will have the children that evening.  In some cases parents may opt to share Halloween duties.  One parent may purchase costumes and dress the children while the other takes them trick or treating.  A second scenario for children may be trick or treating separately with each parent in two different neighborhoods.  I'm sure your children wouldn't mind doubling their candy supply.

3. Plan early.  Halloween is one of those holidays that often slip our minds.  Before you know it, its October 30th.  If you haven't spoken to your ex by this time, calling the night before will probably result in an argument.  If your custody agreement includes certain holidays, and Halloween is one of them, you're in the clear.  But, if you're like most people, Halloween is often forgotten.   Plan ahead of time.  If you would like the children for the whole evening, call your spouse at least a month before.  This gives him/her plenty of time to make plans of their own.

 4. Speaking of plans... If you agree to having the children stay with your ex-spouse the whole evening, don't sulk at home alone.  Keep busy with relative and friends.  Take the opportunity to pass out candy at a neighbor's house or dress up and go to a Halloween party with friends. 

5. Play nice with Mom or Dad.  What every your arrangement is with your ex-spouse for that evening, always be courteous.  Children are deeply affected by negative comments made by one parent about another parent.  It confuses them and results in resentment of the offending parent.  Be considerate around your ex-spouse and children.  Halloween is a time for costumes and fun.  It may also be a time to put on a mask and set our differences aside to get through the evening.

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